From rcmurphy at gmail.com Thu Aug 17 04:50:54 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Thu Aug 17 04:50:57 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Battle of Gettysburg -- Message-ID: The Battle of Gettysburg (July 1, 1863 -- July 3, 1863), fought outside Gettysburg, Penn., was the bloodiest battle of the American Civil War. The three-day battle was exceptionally bitter and costly to both sides, like my fight with my girlfriend Brooke last week. Robert E. Lee could accept his losses and retreat from the field of battle, but Brooke and I had something special. Despite several brutal attacks, Union forces maintained their hold on the terrain, just like Brooke keeps her grip on my heart. Honestly, baby, I'm sorry. Daniel Sickles didn't mean to expose the Army of the Potomac's flank and I didn't mean to share your secrets with my friends. Please, I just want to re-establish what we had. Let me be your Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain. Nearly 50,000 Americans were casualties in the battle, considered by most to be the war's turning point. Two years of sharp and bloody fighting lay ahead, but from then on the Confederacy would be placed on the defensive (like me), and lack the resources to recapture its former glory (like me). Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Gettysburg From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Aug 21 05:59:38 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Mon Aug 21 08:03:51 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Memento -- Message-ID: Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Memento See Also: Deja Vu Photography Hamburger Amnesia Trivia: When Leonard confronts the burger chef he believes is responsible for the death of his wife, for a brief second their faces change places. All the burgers Leonard eats in flashbacks have sesame seed buns, whilst all the burgers he eats in the main section don't. At one point, Leonard's gun gets covered in mayonnaise, but in the next scene it is completely clean. Critical reaction: Roger Ebert lauded Memento as "Fantastic, wonderful, made me hungry", before driving off to find his nearest burger bar. Memento has recieved nearly universal praise from the critics for its originality, style and deliciousness. Many have hailed it as the best hamburger-amnesia thriller since Don't forget the Mayo, with some saying that it even better than the classic Buns of Hope. The genre had been stagnating ever since the big budget 1993 Robin Williams tearjerker The Flamegrilled Man had flopped spectacularly at the box office. From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Aug 23 04:54:06 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Aug 23 04:54:08 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: My First Necronomicon Message-ID: My First Necronomicon was written by beloved children's writer Abdul Alhazred to teach reading and prepare the souls of children for consumption by Cthulhu. The book was first printed by the Pressworks of Madness in 1973. A recent reprint has been ordered by UnBooks from Miskatonic Press and is available through the internet. My First Necronomicon is designed to introduce the dark, unspeakable knowledge of the Elder Gods Yog Sothoth and Cthulhu to the beginning reader. The book does so by employing large print, bold color schemes (primarily black and blood red), and engaging pictures of Cthulhu dreaming dark designs in his crypt outside of time, before rising and consuming the souls of happy, smiling, doomed mortals. Alhazred wrote the book because he felt that the children's books of the time were boring, and did too little to promote insanity and evil. The book was nominated for the American Library Association's Caldecott medal. After My First Necronomicon was beaten out by Chris Van Allsburg's Polar Express, several members of the American Library Association suddenly disappeared, spontaneously burst into flames, or were consumed alive from the inside by centipedes. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/UnBooks:My_First_Necronomicon From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sat Aug 26 04:39:59 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sat Aug 26 04:40:02 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Paradise Lost -- Message-ID: Paradise Lost was an American television coma (comedy-drama) broadcast on the Fox Network in the Untied States and everywhere else Rupert Murdoch's steely, koala grasp is felt. The series, created by John Milton, Shakespeare of the Puritans, ran for twelve episodes over a single season before it was abruptly cancelled despite critical acclaim and plenty of gratuitous cleavage. The assumption has been made that it failed because of an incoherent script, but scholars claim that it was just too literate for the general population. Two competing resort destinations, Eden Beach and Pandemonium, are locked in an unending battle for tropical supremacy, eternal revenue of the tourist's soul and the proliferation of citrus smoothies, dividing Paradise Island and exploiting its pristine conditions. God, the seemingly omnipotent CEO of Eden Beach, possesses capitalistic ventures across His own green Earth -- The First Bank of God, Good God Crisps Wafer & Cracker Factory, God's Word Publishing Company, Jehovah Springs mineral water, God-Mart, God's Own Salad Dressings, The God Complex, God Investments, Inc. -- and as such is unduly stressed, prone to excessive hissy fits and exhibits an overtly judgemental attitude which threatens to undermine his bottom line. His Son, a pacifistic revolutionary, seems more interested in the island's foliage than taking over His Father's business. God's competitor and former employee, a fiery upstart named Satan, compensates for his lack of experience with a fierce ignorance of ethical business standards, a preternatural knack for public relations and a continuous intake of brimstone martinis. Attempting to appropriate Eden Beach's guests and overthrow God's monopoly on tourism, Satan enacts a series of increasingly elaborate schemes featuring pyrotechnics, clever disguises and tasty fruit baskets. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Paradise_Lost From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Aug 28 04:26:28 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Mon Aug 28 04:26:30 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- HowTo: Be a Tramp -- Message-ID: Are you sick and tired of the daily grind? Bored of that deadend job with no future promotion prospects and long for a more adventurous life on the edge? Then becoming a tramp is just the life for you. This handy guide will outline everything you need to become and live a fascinating life as a homeless person, outlining in easy steps How to Be a Tramp. Note: it might be a good idea to print this off before you embark on your homeless journey. Tramps don't have computers, let alone a broadband connection, fool. Tramps, or 'homeless', as they are often termed, were invented in the 1950's by the American Government as a ploy to get more of the taxpayers money without asking for tax. Homeless people may look real but they are actually government robots designed to look pathetic and smell funky. They are often robotic, and have some rather annoying nuances. Like most people robots of the modern world, homeless people have no money. But what separates the homeless from the common broke ass 'mofo' is the fact that many of these vagrants have no place to live, whereas I live in Connecticut and have a six-bedroom house. But that don't mean I got money. Most tramps live on the streets. You can often find them selling themselves to passersby, turning tricks in order to score more cash for their addictions to aluminium. Aluminium is a valuable drug and many homeless people get into fights over 'scoring the pure shit'. It can be quite costly, some homeless being charged as much as a dumpster dive, but the payoff is sweet. Most get a strong high from metal, while others can make 5 cents in California, 10 cents in Maine. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/HowTo:_Be_a_Tramp From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Aug 30 03:32:12 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Aug 30 03:32:14 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Gazebo -- Message-ID: The Gazebo is a fearsome creature of legend, fought by Beowulf in his self-titled epic poem: "And Beowulf walked into the garden, and he beheld the Gazebo. The Gazebo did not move. Beowulf drew his bow taut and fired upon the Beast, but it made no reaction. Fear crept into Beowulf's heart as he fired again ..." Gazebos are very large creatures, some growing as large as small houses. Gazebos start their lives as eggs. These eggs are very shiny and perfectly round, and are placed atop small pedestals in the middle of their native yard. Shortly after hatching, the young gazebo, also called a Trellis, covers itself in plant material as camouflage, while living off of small animals such as puppies and kittens that wander too close. Gazebos reach maturity at around 3 years. Young adults are typically only 3 meters high, with a diameter of 4 meters. Some gazebos, however, can grow up to 5 meters high and 10 meters in diameter. One species, the Emperor Gazebo, can grow to an incredible 50 meters in height. The Gazebo lives in small parks or in large private lawns. It is believed that the creatures feed on small children found in these areas. Gazebos are capable of remaining still for days and weeks at a time, waiting for its prey to wander into its grasp. When a potential meal gets near, the gazebo lashes out violently. Gazebos that live in parks have been known to save their food, storing it in metal cages, known as monkey bars. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Gazebo