From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sat Jul 1 05:46:02 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sat Jul 1 05:46:09 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Ernest Hemingway's Cookery Corner -- Message-ID: In life, a man needs two things: food and a chair. If pushed, he can lose the chair. Food is another matter. My name is Ernest Hemingway. Welcome to my world of food. Let's start with cold hot dogs wrapped in bread with ketchup. These are my favorite. They're easy and portable and you can eat them anywhere, such as a bomb crater, a Cuban whorehouse or any other place without chairs. Just thinking about them makes me dribble. You're going to need the following: 1 tin of hot dogs, ketchup, strong whiskey, a Dragunov SVD 7.62?54mm rimmed semi-automatic rifle, bullets, some nice white sliced bread (spongy but not too thick). Take one slice of bread and one hot dog. Lay the hot dog on the bread slowly and with reverence, as if you were laying a long, thin, trembling and sticky virgin in a big field full of fresh snow. It's got to be right in the center of the bread. Too much to the left or to the right and it is likely to roll out and fall onto the floor and that is really annoying because then you have bend over and pick it up and buff it with a face cloth. Squeeze some ketchup out in a line. Roll up the bread nice and tight. That's it. Man creates food. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/UnBooks:Ernest_Hemingway's_Cookery_Corner From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Jul 3 05:37:36 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Mon Jul 3 05:37:42 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Super Smash Bros: Xtreme Beach Volleyball -- Message-ID: Super Smash Bros: Xtreme Beach Volleyball is a spinoff game to the popular Super Smash Bros. fighting game series. SSBX, unlike the rest of the series, is not a fighting game, but rather a "Sports Fantasy Simulation" game, a cross between a dating sim and a somewhat Pong-like volleyball simulator. The events of SSBX take place between Super Smash Bros. Melee and Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and are considered canon to the overarching storyline. Using his winnings from the SSBM tournament, Mr. Game&Watch heads off to Vegas for some gambling. He hits the jackpot playing slots and wins a rather large sum of money. Using this money, he procures himself an island and names it Mr. Game&Watch Island. He then sends out invitations stating that the next SSB tournament, SSBB, will be held on Mr. Game&Watch Island. As the competitors begin to arrive, however, they realize that he's tricked them. He only sent out the invitation to the female competitors, there is no tournament, and the girls are now stuck on the island for two weeks with nothing to do but play volleyball and shop. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Super_Smash_Bros:_Xtreme_Beach_Volleyball From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Jul 5 02:36:18 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Jul 5 02:36:21 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Gay Pride -- Message-ID: The gay pride, or simply pride, campaign of the gay rights movement has three main premises: 1. that all people of all sexual orientations should be proud, not ashamed, of being young white middle-class gay men; 2. that sexual diversity is a gift to young white middle-class gay men; 3. that sexual orientation and gender identity are inherent and cannot be intentionally altered, unless of course you are bisexual and therefore only fooling yourself. "Pride Parades" are held worldwide on whatever is likely to be the most hideously hot day of summer, wherein young white middle-class gay men of all colours, ages, gender identities and backgrounds can walk down the centre of the main street of their city wearing three leather straps and a peaked leather cap to pick up guys show that they are proud to be who they are. (And pick up guys). Many celebrities and hangers-on attend marches, such as Gandalf, Gloria Gaynor, Sandi Toksvig and that guy from Eastenders, not specifically because they are gay, but to gather free publicity the pride, love and respect that can only come from the gay community. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Gay_Pride From rcmurphy at gmail.com Fri Jul 7 02:16:24 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Fri Jul 7 02:16:27 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Africa -- Message-ID: Africa is widely agreed to be Earth's shittiest continent, in more ways than one. For one thing, most of the land is wracked with hunger, poverty, disease, genocide, and hopelessness. It is also caked in shit. Not a pleasant place, all things considered. The continent of Africa was first formed a long time ago. Exactly how long ago is not important unless you're studying geography, and since you are browsing Uncyclopedia, I think it's safe to rule that one out. Africa is notable in that it is the original homeland of the human race. Keep in mind that this is the consensus reached by the scientific community only. Fundamentalists for some reason do not like the idea that Adam and Eve were Africans. Charming lot, those Fundamentalists. Back at the dawn of humanity, Africa was a harsh yet beautiful land. The climate was comfortable, the Sahara was a vast grassland, and the animals were not nearly as vicious as they could have been. Gotta look for the silver lining in these things. Africa was also home to the first human civilizations, including the Egyptians and the various tribes of the West Coast. No, not California. *Africa*. Stay focused. Things aren't always about America, you know. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Africa From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sun Jul 9 03:06:34 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sun Jul 9 03:06:38 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Speech to text software -- Message-ID: The speech to text software and is a tool used to convert the spoken word into text format buyer at Compu term macro phone backspace a Computer microphone full stop It is most useful as an accessibility to rollbackspace tool two paid the Partially-sighted in navigating computer systems, However it is also used By by lazy people Who cannot be bothered to type full stop The past twenty years have seen the most developments are voice recognition but in actual fact Alexander Graham bell helped pie on ear The technology pee read I mean. He discovered how to convert Sound waves into written formats ? To that he would speak to some Coke on the phone who would ride it out by hand. However comma Most people, A specially bells Personal assistant Jim, became tired Of writing everything by hand and wanted something that would not give them RSI All the wrist of the wrist. Enter I mean Over the past two decades cummer Voice recognition technology has developed to the point of real time continuous speech systems that augment command, security and content creation tasks with exceptionally hi accurate c. However my computer still does not recognize 'ship buttresses'. See what I mean? Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Speech_to_text_software From rcmurphy at gmail.com Tue Jul 11 05:20:55 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Tue Jul 11 05:21:01 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Grue -- Message-ID: A grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero. There are an estimated 47 grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Grue From rcmurphy at gmail.com Thu Jul 13 06:38:43 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Thu Jul 13 06:38:48 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Z -- Message-ID: Z (February 15, 1966 - December 18, 1997), born Zed Alvin Steinwitz, was a controversial and highly volatile star of the popular children's series Sesame Street. Although the most popular letter of the nineties, his drug problems and severe inferiority complex ultimately led to an untimely demise. The last of twenty-six children, Z was born and raised in the lower middle class suburb of Huber Heights, outside of the lower middle class city of Dayton, Ohio. Z never fit in with the typical lifestyle of Dayton, and after graduating from high school (where he lettered in athletics, academics, and theatre), he moved to New York City to pursue a life as a man of letters. He was discovered by bland-yet-successful agent Murphy Rosenblatt in 1986 while performing a dance interpretation of the entire Dr. Seuss anthology on Times Square. Rosenblatt noted Z's "pizazz and razzmatazz, not to mention his willingness to jazz it up. He could create a buzz and zoom to the top of showbiz, all the way to the A-list. This kid's got zip and zing!" Rosenblatt immediately signed Z as a client and shopped him to Sesame Street, where he was quickly signed to become a featured letter. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Z From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Jul 17 03:23:59 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Mon Jul 17 03:24:01 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Command Line -- Message-ID: Gosh darnit Windows is annoying me. But I got this Uncyclux CD that Bob said would let me get my porn do all the stuff I normally do online, but without spyware and adware and viruses and Windows being flaky garbage and crashing all the time. The Live CD worked really nicely, so I've just run the install. I should be much happier... BOOTING BDSM DRIVE ......... FAILED LAUNCHING CRUISE MISSILE ... FAILED ACCESSING PORN ............. FAILED SELLING WAR BONDS .......... FAILED HIRING ASSASSIN ............ FAILED LEARNING RUSSIAN ........... FAILED BOOTSTRAPPING THE RAM ...... FAILED X STARTUP FAILED, STARTING COMMAND LINE ... Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Command_Line From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Jul 19 04:22:28 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Jul 19 04:22:31 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Canada -- Message-ID: Canada, also known as "America's Hat", "Soviet Canuckistan", or "The Shizzle North of Hizzle", but more commonly known as "the Great White North", is situated somewhere near the inconsequential continental U.S.A., and slightly south of the North Pole. The United Nations has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh? To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn't know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting. The world sees Canada as America's dorky half brother. Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being England, but while America's father was apparently Jesus, Canada's was France. While little brother Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its "cool" older half-brother America, Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north). Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Canada