From rcmurphy at gmail.com Fri Jun 2 03:08:01 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Fri Jun 2 03:08:07 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Embracing Mediocrity -- Message-ID: Embracing Mediocrity: A self help book for losers like you. Unless you didn't learn to read, in which case you're probably not reading this. You're fat, you're pushing forty, and faced with the realization that the boy who once dreamed of becoming an astronaut is no more. A man has taken his place, and rather than sitting in the cockpit of a capsule, awaiting the thrust of booster rockets that will wrestle him from the grasp of Earth's gravity, he's instead wrestling in the tight grip of an armchair that once fit comfortably, many beers ago. The youthful dream of breaking through the stratosphere is also gone, replaced with more immediately pressing concerns like, "Will my breaking wind be sufficiently contained by the fabric of this armchair, or will I set off the smoke alarms again?" It's nothing to be embarrassed about. It happens to everyone. Yes, farting too, but also the understanding that you've achieved as much in life as you're going to, and are now on the cusp of a great journey along the Plateau of Irrelevance, before that long, slow decent down the Mortal Coil of Utter Obscurity, until reaching your eventual destination six feet below ground where you can find real use in a task ideally suited to your overstuffed cheese-doodle-nurtured carcass?as nutritious food for a variety of underground creatures, and rich fertilizer for the grass that your loved ones would have been weeping on... had you not been a complete nincompoop and alienated them with your self-absorbed hermit-like isolationist tendencies. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Embracing_Mediocrity From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sun Jun 4 03:21:30 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sun Jun 4 03:21:32 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Oscar Mayer -- Message-ID: Not surprisingly, Oscar Mayer was born in Bavaria, Germany, the hotbed of tubular meat since the first ancient butchers looked down at the rubble of discarded organs and miscellaneous shavings at their feet and pondered, "How can I sell this?" Like most Bavarians, and indeed like most young boys worldwide, young Oscar's fascination with the wiener began early in life. Beginning from the age of two, it was not uncommon for Oscar to spend many hours of solitary amusement, playing with his meat. His parents, a progressive couple highly influenced by the teachings of Dr. Maria Montessori, allowed Oscar a wide berth to explore and develop his natural abilities. While, strictly speaking, he never developed prowess as an athlete, he was given to participating in long "marathons", the likes of which would probably draw curious onlookers and perhaps a few enthusiastic spectators, but also the attention of the police were he ever to have performed them publicly. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Oscar_Mayer From rcmurphy at gmail.com Fri Jun 9 03:49:05 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Fri Jun 9 03:55:32 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Decapitation Disease -- Message-ID: Decapitation Disease is the most deadly disease in the world. It is an airborne virus which attaches itself to sharp objects including, but not limited to, knives, machetes, helicopter blades, and the mouths of bears. When infected objects come into contact with a vulnerable part of the body (primarily the neck) with enough frequency or force to successfully transmit the virus, the victim contracts Decapitation Disease. Once contracted, the disease is incurable and untreatable; 100% of its victims die within seconds of showing initial symptoms. Symptoms of decapitation disease include profuse bleeding, loss of motor control of the lower body, and instant separation of the head from the neck. The molecular structure of the virus causes it to attach to the sharpest parts of things, particularly edges, so the amount of virus carried by an object is proportional to the length of the sharp edge and the sharpness of the edge. Therefore, machetes, bandsaws, katanas, and aircraft propellers carry large amounts of the virus; razor blades and nail clippers are less infected, and needles (although very sharp) are not very infected because only a tiny area of the object is pointy enough to harbor the virus. However, if the individual is repeatedly infected by a small, dull object, such as a butter knife, it could result in decapitation disease. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Decapitation_Disease From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sun Jun 11 06:04:52 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sun Jun 11 06:04:56 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Segregation -- Message-ID: Though now looked down upon by most of the Western World, Segregation was at one time the standard for people throughout the world. Simply put, segregation is the practice of separating laundry solely on the basis of color. In the United States, the practice of segregation began just after the American Civil War and continued until the mid 1960's. Prior to the American Civil War, colored clothing did not exist. It wasn't until the beginning of Gone with the Wind (which was sometime mid-Wizard of Oz) that color was invented. Shortly after that, in the northern United States, color became more accepted. Many people began to wear colored clothing, with blue being the favored color. Those in the southern part of the country denounced and rejected this practice, believing that colors should be restricted to the fields and the outdoors, and should not be paraded around in public view. This disagreement led to war, pitting the more open-minded Northerners in blue against the stubborn Southerners in black and white (sometimes called the Grays). Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Segregation From rcmurphy at gmail.com Tue Jun 13 02:37:20 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Tue Jun 13 02:37:23 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Patriotism -- Message-ID: Patriotism is the number two cause of battlefield fatalities, surpassed only by improper foot care. Patriotism is an air-borne disease caused by the bacterium enlistment bonusai. It was first observed in 1776 by Dr. Arnold Bazonga, but was initially confused with the alcohol-borne illness bravery. Patriotism is communicable through the auditory ingestion of feces. Contamination often occurs from politicians, entrepreneurs, country music singers, and French Emperors. It is especially virulent through outbreaks of propaganda and exacerbated by poor economic conditions at the local level. Symptoms often include baseless mistrust of foreigners, suicidal tendencies, and lack of appetite due to recent morphine injections to save your ass from that sniper while your "buddies" hide for cover, and leave you to die. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Patriotism From rcmurphy at gmail.com Thu Jun 15 03:50:47 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Thu Jun 15 03:50:55 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Blame somebody else -- Message-ID: Just like with unexploded bombs, Blame is best dealt with by passing it as quickly as possible to someone else. To blame someone, therefore is the right and proper action of assigning your blame to another. That way, you can relax and get on with your golf game. This activity of blaming seem basic to hominid behaviour, and that seems a bit wrong, which you are so quick to point out, oh yes, aren't you? As always. Blaming is nearly universally observed in children. It seems to be an essential part of human development. Believing this helps you sleep at night as the crows gather behind your eyes and peck away the slimy layers of guilt from your overworked brain. When language skills develop, one of the first practical things that can be done with them is to apply them to blame others for what you just did, and get that person you don't like sanctioned or punished while you keep doing as you do. This way, you get to eat more cookies, so of course you never stopped. Lying is often involved in blaming. Of course it is possible to assign blame to someone using truth perhaps however selectively applied. This is considered far more leet, which is why you don't do it. In order to successfully blame somebody else, you must make it seem plausible, and if there's truth involved, much less manipulation is required. Just ask Richard Nixon. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Blame_somebody_else From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sat Jun 17 04:10:26 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sat Jun 17 04:10:33 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Idiocrates -- Message-ID: Idiocrates (full name: ????? ?? ???? ????? ???????? ???? ??? ?????? ????) was a Greek scientist and philosopher of the early 15th century B.C.E. He is mostly renowned for inventing the first Idiotic Table of the Elements in 1430, as well as his highly observationist method of philosophy. Often mistaken for his teacher and mentor Idiosyncrasies (despite the well defined individual differences between them), Idiocrates founded the Stoic School of Idiocracy. Idiocrates was born in 1460 B.C.E in the village of Obvius in southern Greece. Surviving records indicate that he was a particularly unattractive child, sporting a bald head and long white beard by the age of 4. By the age of 10 he was already gathering small audiences to hear him speak. Most of his early proclamations are lost, but it is generally accepted that it was around this time he started to notice the relationship between the elements, on one famous occasion proclaiming: "Stuff can be like...hard, y'know? But then there's wind n' shit too." When Idiocrates reached the age of 15, it is known that he became a goth for a short period, dyeing his beard black, and stating "Fuck all that philosophy shit". Happily for science's sake, he appears to have grown out of this phase by 1436, when at the age of 24 he published the essay "Is stuff made from other stuff?" This tablet outlined his philosophy and was to form the basis of the development of the Idiotic Table of the Elements. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Idiocrates From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Jun 19 04:51:52 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Mon Jun 19 04:51:54 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- UnNews:National Gay Marriage Threat Level Raised to "Flamboyant" -- Message-ID: The US Homeland Security Department raised the "National Gay Marriage" threat level from "fruity" to "flamboyant" today, in response to increased "gay chatter" intercepted by Intelligence agencies. Secretary Chertoff urged citizens to "be vigilant, and on the lookout for queers", but to keep their daily routines as normal as possible in order to keep the economy strong. National Guard reserve units, as well as extra police, FBI agents, and Protestant Ministers, were deployed in high-risk areas, such as Massachusetts and California. Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger declared that he will "not tolerate the state being taken over by girly-men". Tensions have been high ever since San Francisco temporarily allowed gay marriages to occur a year ago, inducing a panic in the area. The hot-pink alert level of "Flamboyant" is the second highest on the color-coded scale, sitting just below the magenta level of "Flaming Homo". The color-coded system is as follows: Teal. Threat Level "Manly". Gay marriage ban gaining support; monster truck rally attendance high. Chartreuse. Threat Level "In the Closet". Low risk of gay marriage; husband's frequent business trips to San Francisco and detours to highway rest stops on drive home from work go unquestioned. Lemon. Threat Level "Fruity". Moderate risk of gay marriage. Little rainbow flag stickers on shop windows. Over Thanksgiving dinner, awkward but polite inquiry made after the health of your spinster aunt's long-term female "roommate". Read More: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/UnNews:National_Gay_Marriage_Threat_Level_Raised_to_%22Flamboyant%22 From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Jun 21 06:12:47 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Jun 21 06:12:51 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- John Cage -- Message-ID: John Cage (1912-1812) was a 20th century composer who enjoyed moderated success in his early life. He was most well known for his unique style of writing odd and unusual pieces, such as "Piano Falling Down Five Flights of Stairs in A Minor", and the classic "Set of Bagpipes Driven by the Exhaust from a Saturn V Rocket's First Stage". Cage was hailed as a "master of the unique", and his work was regarded as "a refreshing change from music that actually makes sense". However, his success got the better of him, and in his later life he descended into madness, going through several stages of insanity before finally committing suicide via an overdose of kittens. Cage's parents knew early on that they had a child prodigy on their hands. When he was only 6 months old, he performed a legendary dance routine involving absolutely no motion for roughly four and a half minutes. Cage improved on his act throughout his childhood, until he was playing 8 hour shows to sold-out arenas every night. It wasn't long before the public began to see Cage as a one trick pony. His dance performances began to lose steam, especially when he started to forget the finer intracies of his routine: he would often turn over in his sleep and sometimes even yawn and stretch, to the utter disgust of fans. People eventually stopped going to see him altogether, and he faded back into obscurity. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/John_Cage From rcmurphy at gmail.com Fri Jun 23 03:17:30 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Fri Jun 23 03:17:32 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Calvin and Hobbes -- Message-ID: Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves. The series was noted for its recurring themes of theological introspection, philosophical anthropology, the study of the nation-state, and use of cardboard boxes that could turn into any machine they wanted it to. The series confused many, as Hobbes himself was not born until 1588 - some 40 years after the show last aired. This seeming anachronism was explained by the fact that only Calvin could see Hobbes - leading to debate over if Hobbes was real or merely a figment of Calvin's imagination. "Calvin and Hobbes" was set in contemporary 16th Century Europe, where a number of zany things were constantly going on, including the Protestant Reformation, the return of explorers from the New World, and the unsightly release of several Queen Elizabeth sex tapes. In each episode, individuals would get into some sort of trouble, and having nowhere else to turn would call for the assistance of Calvin (and Hobbes) to help them. The two would travel in their red wagon looking for clues, which would always end up crashing somewhere and leaving them to use their own wits to get their way out of trouble. More often than not, they would be able to get their selves out of trouble or solve a mystery by using the magical power that is the cardboard box. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Calvin_and_Hobbes From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sun Jun 25 02:57:59 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sun Jun 25 02:58:03 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Rogue Punchlines -- Message-ID: Rogue Punchlines are extremely short jokes that can be placed after almost anything and be funny. They are both a study in minimalism and the adaptability and versitility of some jokes. Many consider Rogue Punchlines to be stupid, but you're stupid. See? That was a rogue punchline, on loan for this article from the Oslo Museum of Humorology, and used with thanks. Work with me here....that was another one. So's your face. Often utilised by the leading academics and top comedians, Rogue Punchlines can be witnessed in many situations, but usually find their home within Celebrity Roasts, jumble sales and IRC Channels. Many experts consider the Rogue Punchline to be the most superior form of comedic commentary since Swift's satirical masterpiece "A Modest Proposal". But what the fuck do they know? Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Rogue_Punchlines From rcmurphy at gmail.com Tue Jun 27 05:04:09 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Tue Jun 27 05:04:13 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Neolithic Age -- Message-ID: The Neolithic Age (specifically in Europe) refers to the time between the Third Age (dated from the downfall of Sauron) and the Bronze Age periods in Europe, roughly from 7000 BCE (the approximate time of the first lapdancing societies in Greece) to 1700 BCE (the beginning of the Bronze Age in northwest Europe). The Neolithic is best remembered as the period in which the Bible was first written, after enthusiastic reviews of the theater production "The God Squad" led to public demand for a novelized version in granite. It also marks the end of the time of the Dinosaurs, and the rise of Autobots. The term "Neolithic" is thought to refer to the new "Liths" (considered to be an extinct species of water fowl), though no one is sure what differences existed between the old species and the new one. The details of the origin, chronology, social organization, subsistence practices and ideology of the peoples of Neolithic Europe are obtained from archaeology, and not historical records, since these people had not yet invented the pencil. They were known to be quite stupid. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Neolithic_Age From rcmurphy at gmail.com Thu Jun 29 04:19:27 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Thu Jun 29 04:19:29 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- See Dick -- Message-ID: See Dick is a time-tested method of teaching children to read. Can you read this? [Chapter One: Meet Dick and Lynne] See Dick. See Dick play. See Dick ride a bike. "This is fun," says Dick. See Lynne. See Lynne run. See Lynne run fast. "This is fun," says Lynne. See Liz. See Spot. See Liz and Spot. "I like to play with Spot," says Liz. See Mary. See Mary hide. "Where is Mary?" asks Lynne. "Where is Mary?" asks Dick. "Let's look in the closet! There is Mary. Look, we have found Mary hiding in the closet." [Chapter Two: Dick Meets Tricky Dick] See Dick. He is going to work. Dick works at the White House. Work, work, work. Dick works for Tricky Dick. See Tricky Dick wreck the 18 minute long tape. See Tricky Dick, he is not a crook. Crook, crook, crook. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/UnBooks:See_Dick From beesley at gmail.com Thu Jun 29 06:35:46 2006 From: beesley at gmail.com (Angela) Date: Thu Jun 29 06:35:51 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] Welcome to Splarka Message-ID: <8b722b800606282335h744b8a28y1761e99122b5361b@mail.gmail.com> Hal Davis (aka Splarka) is joining Wikia as a community team intern for July. Splarka is a long time editor of Uncyclopedia (where he's known as Splaka) and an admin on the Central Wikia. He'll be involved in everything the community team () are doing, especially the things he's great at like CSS and JavaScript fixes. Angela. From dgerard at gmail.com Thu Jun 29 15:16:50 2006 From: dgerard at gmail.com (David Gerard) Date: Thu Jun 29 15:16:53 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] Welcome to Splarka In-Reply-To: <8b722b800606282335h744b8a28y1761e99122b5361b@mail.gmail.com> References: <8b722b800606282335h744b8a28y1761e99122b5361b@mail.gmail.com> Message-ID: On 29/06/06, Angela wrote: > Hal Davis (aka Splarka) is joining Wikia as a community team intern for July. And here I was thinking the subject line would lead into "Uncyclopedia has been bought out and renamed". - d. From mindspillage at gmail.com Thu Jun 29 15:42:18 2006 From: mindspillage at gmail.com (Kat Walsh) Date: Thu Jun 29 15:42:23 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] Re: [Wikiastaff-l] Welcome to Splarka In-Reply-To: <8b722b800606282335h744b8a28y1761e99122b5361b@mail.gmail.com> References: <8b722b800606282335h744b8a28y1761e99122b5361b@mail.gmail.com> Message-ID: <8e253f560606290842r5c2792e2i27c9a34933f58527@mail.gmail.com> One of us, one of us.... Er, sorry. Welcome to the team. :-) -Kat -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Mindspillage | G/AIM:LucidWaking mindspillage or mind|wandering on irc.freenode.net | email for phone The good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving -- Lao-Tzu Wikia: creating communities - http://www.wikia.com From nintendorulez1337 at gmail.com Thu Jun 29 17:24:56 2006 From: nintendorulez1337 at gmail.com (nintendorulez) Date: Thu Jun 29 17:25:01 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] Welcome to Splarka In-Reply-To: References: <8b722b800606282335h744b8a28y1761e99122b5361b@mail.gmail.com> Message-ID: <11ff3da00606291024w7b40d9f8t835abdbe2666ecb6@mail.gmail.com> I would've thought the same thing if it weren't for gmail's preview snippet thingy. On 6/29/06, David Gerard wrote: > > On 29/06/06, Angela wrote: > > > Hal Davis (aka Splarka) is joining Wikia as a community team intern for > July. > > > And here I was thinking the subject line would lead into "Uncyclopedia > has been bought out and renamed". > > > - d. > _______________________________________________ > Uncyclopedia-l mailing list > Uncyclopedia-l@wikia.com > http://lists.wikia.com/mailman/listinfo/uncyclopedia-l > -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.wikia.com/pipermail/uncyclopedia-l/attachments/20060629/02132617/attachment.html From mindspillage at gmail.com Thu Jun 29 17:51:10 2006 From: mindspillage at gmail.com (Kat Walsh) Date: Thu Jun 29 17:51:14 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] Welcome to Splarka In-Reply-To: <11ff3da00606291024w7b40d9f8t835abdbe2666ecb6@mail.gmail.com> References: <8b722b800606282335h744b8a28y1761e99122b5361b@mail.gmail.com> <11ff3da00606291024w7b40d9f8t835abdbe2666ecb6@mail.gmail.com> Message-ID: <8e253f560606291051u32f28e54mc3c7c55e8fd7e577@mail.gmail.com> On 6/29/06, nintendorulez wrote: > I would've thought the same thing if it weren't for gmail's preview snippet > thingy. Nah. That's next month's announcem... um, I mean, no, that'd be silly. He hasn't even gained control of our minds yet. I think. -Kat -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Mindspillage | G/AIM:LucidWaking mindspillage or mind|wandering on irc.freenode.net | email for phone The good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving -- Lao-Tzu Wikia: creating communities - http://www.wikia.com From electroeel at gmail.com Thu Jun 29 22:45:08 2006 From: electroeel at gmail.com (Lee Tantral) Date: Thu Jun 29 22:45:12 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] Welcome to Splarka In-Reply-To: <8e253f560606291051u32f28e54mc3c7c55e8fd7e577@mail.gmail.com> References: <8b722b800606282335h744b8a28y1761e99122b5361b@mail.gmail.com> <11ff3da00606291024w7b40d9f8t835abdbe2666ecb6@mail.gmail.com> <8e253f560606291051u32f28e54mc3c7c55e8fd7e577@mail.gmail.com> Message-ID: I was under this impression that this was our next featured. Oh, by the way, this is Flammable from Uncyc. Anyway, grats to you, Splaxster. Hope you have fun! On 6/29/06, Kat Walsh wrote: > > On 6/29/06, nintendorulez wrote: > > I would've thought the same thing if it weren't for gmail's preview > snippet > > thingy. > > Nah. That's next month's announcem... um, I mean, no, that'd be silly. > He hasn't even gained control of our minds yet. > > I think. > > -Kat > > -- > http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Mindspillage | G/AIM:LucidWaking > mindspillage or mind|wandering on irc.freenode.net | email for phone > The good traveller has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving > -- Lao-Tzu Wikia: creating communities - http://www.wikia.com > _______________________________________________ > Uncyclopedia-l mailing list > Uncyclopedia-l@wikia.com > http://lists.wikia.com/mailman/listinfo/uncyclopedia-l > -- -Lee -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.wikia.com/pipermail/uncyclopedia-l/attachments/20060629/c08f326b/attachment-0001.html