From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Nov 1 06:25:59 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Nov 1 06:26:01 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Jackson Pollock -- Message-ID: Jackson "heard it all before" Pollock (so called because he only has one, but it's twice the size, ladies), the son of Johnson Q. Bollock and Margeret P. Pillock, was a world-renowned painter, famous for his unique technique of uncontrolled dribbling, known to masters of the trade as the my four year old could do that method. Pollock was extremely influential in the development of 'smatternist' art, which is part of the general madernist movement away from drawing actual giraffes and towards making randomly colored puddles that represent Giraffes torn asunder by the immense gravity of a neutron star, dripped in green and red paint, which was actually one of Pollock's more well-known pieces. For this sort of meta-artistry, Pollock is rightfully considered to be many things, none of which are good or respectable. Later in life Pollock extended his Smmatternist dabbling into various other fields. The farmers who own these fields promptly told Mr. Pollock to exit their fields, which he did with little incident or fanfare. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Jackson_Pollock From rcmurphy at gmail.com Fri Nov 3 07:36:17 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Fri Nov 3 07:36:20 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Water Polo... With Sharks! -- Message-ID: Water Polo... With Sharks! is the hardest games to play, bar none. The sport is exactly the same as regular water polo, but with sharks. The Sharks are not aligned on either of the two competing teams, nor are they their own team, they are just thrown into the pool to add some spice, zest, and lethal danger into what would otherwise be a bland and inconsequential game of water polo. Although extremely difficult, and with a low survival rate, it's a great way to get yourself a scholarship to Stanford. It is also notable for having the least-qualified and worst referees of any sport ever. The basic skills required to play include: Swimming: And Fast! Not only is this required to make swift and strategic defensive and offensive plays, but also to avoid the sharks in the water. Ball handling skills: All players must use only one hand at a time to throw and catch the ball; this is not actually an official rule, as it is in normal water polo, but because at least one arm is needed to fend off the sharks Treading Water: Very important. Not only is it against the rules to go underwater, as well as crippling to gameplay to not be able to see the goings-on of the above water, but also, it is the shark's territory. The ability to fend off sharks: This one is a no-brainer. Whether through strong upper-body strength, great pistol aim, or a steady hand for the harpoon, the sharks must be dealt with, for fear of death or penalties. Or perhaps the death penalty. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Water_Polo..._With_Sharks! From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sun Nov 5 09:50:58 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sun Nov 5 22:16:53 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Napoleon Bonaparte -- Message-ID: Napoleon Bonaparte was a French military officer, Emperor of France, and five-time winner of the world Risk? championships. He rose to prominence after ending the Reign of Terror that followed the French Revolution, and replacing it with his Reign of a Moderate But Tolerable Amount of Fear. He is famous for being the first person in the French military since Charlemagne to not suck, being short, instituting the Napoleonic Code, being short, pwning most of Europe before losing everything to an Englishman who was named after his boots, being short, and getting really ticked off whenever some smartass remarked that he didn't look very much like Jon Heder. Also, he was short. Napoleon was born in 1756 on the island of Corsica. His father was Italian and spoke Italian; his mother was Italian and spoke Italian, and Napoleon grew up speaking Italian and learning Italian customs, which, of course, makes Napoleon Italian. This, in turn, means that all of Napoleon's victories technically count as Italian military victories. It is considered extremely rude and offensive to bring this up when talking with French people, so be sure to do it as often as you can. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Napoleon_Bonaparte From rcmurphy at gmail.com Tue Nov 7 05:37:11 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Tue Nov 7 05:37:14 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Political advertising -- Message-ID: Political advertising involves the use of advertising by politicians to bring their messages to the masses. These usually warn voters that the gates of Hell will open and demons will eat skin off their still-living victims if a bond issue for school playgrounds is approved. Promoting candidates with paraphernalia -- whether ribbons, flowers or condoms -- goes back to the Middle Ages. Peter de la Mare, the first speaker of the House of Commons, painted anti-monarchical slogans on the back of a sheep to win major democratic concessions from Richard II in 1377. Today, political advertising is a multibillion dollar industry, employing musicians who play ominous chords, photographers who take unflattering pictures and video artists who make your saintly grandmother look like a meth-smoking, child-murdering Klan wizard. In theory, political advertising could explain policy, inform citizens and connect people to their leaders. But theoretically, Bill Moyers could record a version of "Hips Don't Lie." Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Political_advertising From rcmurphy at gmail.com Thu Nov 9 06:21:18 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Thu Nov 9 06:21:21 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Wall Street Crash of 1929 -- Message-ID: The Wall Street Crash of 1929 was the stock-market crash which occurred in October 1929 and caused the eventual complete collapse of the American economy. This led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years. It began on Black Thursday, October 24, and ended on Black Tuesday, October 29, when prices in the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) collapsed. The names of these days remain the same despite the African American community being cleared of all accusations of causing the crash. Before the crash, life was good for all Americans. (By "all Americans" we mean white people.) Everybody was either rich or knew somebody who was rich, or knew somebody who was a servant for somebody who threw excellent parties. Polo match attendance at an all-time high, and caviar was as valuable as cocaine would become in the 1980s. It was standard practice for men to wear top hats and monocles and carry around a cane, even when it was apparent that the man in question had no vision problems or leg injuries. They would often walk around the streets in town and tip their hats to all they passed, saying "How are you, good friend? And the wife, she's well? I trust you have received the invitation to my party!" Women wore dresses and hats and made tea for dignitaries when they weren't producing children. What was the cause for this unbridled happiness? The stock market. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Wall_Street_Crash_of_1929 From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Nov 13 06:39:22 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Mon Nov 13 06:39:29 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf... -- Message-ID: The Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice is the longest possible order you could order at Starbucks. Once you have ordered this, you cannot order anything larger. It was ordered only once (in the late 1990's), and it singlehandedly destroyed the economy of South America and came quite close to plummeting the world into a second Ice Age. It is now illegal in both American Continents, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Antarctica. In fact, it's now illegal everywhere except for a select few unclaimed inches in the Southern Pacific Ocean. The United Nations are working on this problem even as you read this. Dane Earl Johnson, Jr., was the insane man who ordered the deadly concoction. An aging, eccentric billionaire with a bleak outlook on life, Dane wanted one last sick, cheap thrill before he kicked the Bucket Eternal. And so, one fateful Thursday afternoon in December of 1997, he approached a small town Starbucks in a sleepy Montana town. He dramatically entered into the restaurant with an uncanny air of gravitas and resolve. He strolled up to the cashier, a 24 year old female by the name of Emily Huckabone. He casually ordered a Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice. And a raisin scone. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Double_Ristretto_Venti_Half-Soy_Nonfat_Decaf_Organic_Chocolate_Brownie_Iced_Vanilla_Double-Shot_Gingerbread_Frappuccino_Extra_Hot_With_Foam_Whipped_Cream_Upside_Down_Double_Blended%2C_One_Sweet'N_Low_and_One_Nutrasweet%2C_and_Ice From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Nov 15 07:56:26 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Nov 15 07:56:28 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- The Uncyclopedian's Song -- Message-ID: As Tom Lehrer would say, "set to a possibly recognizable tune": I am the very model of a good Uncyclopedian, My endless flows of witty prose alleviate your tedium, But if you're here to blank and spam and vandalize this medium, Well then, my friend, I'll have to get med'eval on your seat-ium! (Sorry 'bout that...) - He'll bury you in scorn and get med'eval on your seat-ium, - He is the very model of a good Uncyclopedian! I spend my nights on my PC a-typing on my articles, And seeing that the noobs don't feel like subatomic particles, Reporting blankers, spam and crap that smells like eggy farticles, (Oops, that one, too) Reverting page on page of stuff that's grown too many barnacles! - Reverting page on page of stuff that's grown too many barnacles, - And seeing that the noobs don't feel like subatomic particles! Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/The_Uncyclopedian's_Song From rcmurphy at gmail.com Fri Nov 17 07:13:09 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Fri Nov 17 07:13:12 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Pontius Pilot -- Message-ID: Pontius Pilot is the one of the most popular in the Judea line of Roman PDAs, or personal deity ascertainers. Released in AD 26, it had the most governing functionality of any handheld Roman device of its time. Pontius Pilots can synchronize with all compatible Jewish HighPriest programs, including the popular application Caiaphas, ensuring up-to-date and accurate blasphemy and sedition data can be shared with the user's contacts as well as be on the user's PC and handheld device. This also ensures that data can be instantly recovered, meaning any trial of someone proclaiming to be the Son of God can go on as scheduled even despite crashes or data erasure. Pontius Pilots are compatible with both HolySync and CaeserSync programs. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Pontius_Pilot From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sun Nov 19 05:44:55 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sun Nov 19 05:44:57 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- The Bureaucracy Channel -- Message-ID: The Bureaucracy Channel is a 24hr a day cable television channel which presents programming related to places of business; government offices, nongovernmental offices and semigovernmental offices, and the semi-detached personnel that reside therein; office managers, office workers and official office officials, and the many uninteresting things that the previously listed personnel do in those offices, also listed previously, including, but not exclusive to; making necklaces from paper clips and the pushing, reading, filing, faxing and misplacing of paper - all of which, we must note, is legally approved and stamped by the official approval group for the legality of such things, therein, wherefore and whyto. . TBC also show programs about great events in the long and storied history of administration and comptrolling; often with observations and explanations by historians as well as historical reenactments and interviews with witnesses of those historical reenactments. Some of TBC's original programming is also shown on the History Channel, History Television, Bureaucracy Kids, and the BBC. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/The_Bureaucracy_Channel From rcmurphy at gmail.com Tue Nov 21 07:23:30 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Tue Nov 21 07:23:32 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Inanimate Sponge -- Message-ID: When the Democratic party looked for its nomination for the 2016 Presidential election, a candidate who could follow-up on Hillary Clinton's two-term presidency, it was a clear race between primary candidate Harry Reid, who had failed his campaign to win the 2012 election, and an an inanimate sponge, known as Inanimate Sponge. After three fierce political debates on live on television (all three of which Sponge unanimously won), Sponge won the primary elections and became the official candidate for the Presidency. People took a shine to his natural, healthy good looks, his ability to listen, and his versatility. He would later go on to win the presidential election in a landslide victory against the Republican candidate, Jeb Bush. Sponge was hailed as a great consensual president. However, his reign was cut short, after seven years at the top, when he cheated on his wife with a bar of soap, which lead to a scandal similar to that of Clinton. He was forced to resign after being impeached for perjury, and Vice President Pillow took over. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Inanimate_Sponge From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sat Nov 25 06:24:14 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sat Nov 25 06:24:17 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Argos -- Message-ID: Argos was the faithful pet of Odysseus who waited more than twenty years for his master to return. It is not recorded if Argos subsequently opened a UK catalogue store selling stuff in all of its multi-plasticated forms, but still, the name is an apt one for there actually exists a UK catalogue store called Argos. And indeed, it is a place where no customer is ever more than twenty days away from being served. This Argos can therefore be defined either as "not a dog" or the "working man's version of Portabello Road, except with much more plastic and a faint damp whiff of sweat" or simply: "laminated hell". Argos stores exist for the sole purpose of taking advantage of those who are too scared to shop using tinternet. Thus, they still rely on the traditional methods of service, such as the sneer, the blank stare and outright rudeness. Ordinarily, the process of shopping means going in to a store, picking something up, bringing it to a tillpoint and paying. Argos, however, have simplified and streamlined this process. At Argos, you simply go to a store, queue to read a book, look around for a pen, write a number on a piece of paper, collect a ticket for more queuing, wait for your turn, pay for the item, forget your number, check the book again, queue at a large table, collect your item, bring it home, realise it is the wrong one and go back again. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Argos From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Nov 27 07:14:34 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Tue Nov 28 01:46:54 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 -- Message-ID: Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 (TFA 2006) is a popular network server created by the highly profitable Total Fucking Asshole division of Microsoft Corp. Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006 is irresponsible for hosting vasts swathes of the internet, mostly porn, gambling websites, spam, phishing pages and seedy web-hangouts like Uncyclopedia. Whereas previous versions of Windows only made their users feel stupid and useless in a passive manner, Total Fucking Asshole Server advances software engineering to the next level of the state of the art: active degradation of the peon in front of the screen. You love it, you worm. TFA 2006 is famous for its finicky nature, its complete lack of backwards compatibility (or indeed of any compatibility at all), its esoteric, difficult design and its curt, snippy error messages and manual. In fact, the manual is only two words long, a terse recommendation to "Fuck off." Calls to Microsoft for technical support garner little success and routinely result in massive bouts of laughter greeting you from the other end of the line. Sending regular mail will get you your letter returned, though with the addition of quantities of pubic hair. rEaD mOrE: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Total_Fucking_Asshole_Server_2006 From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Nov 29 08:11:58 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Nov 29 08:12:01 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Gaydar -- Message-ID: Many eons ago, homosexuals were unilaterally banished from mathematics faculties all over the Christian world as their sensitivity, hygiene and fabulous fashion sense showed up the serious failings in these areas by heterosexual mathematicians. This left gay scientists pondering how to find and hook up with other gay mathematicians who shared their passion for opera, rodeos and solving quadrilaterals in tight fitting shorts. The urge to square root a whole bunch of logical chuckle buddies has been the driving force behind the majority of all scientific advances since the renaissance: - Galileo Galilei's invention of the telescope - Leonardo Da Vinci's invention of the bouncy castle - The invention of male figure-skating auditions Yet these all led to embarrassing situations that served no purpose other than providing the plots of Shakespeare's most famous farces ("All's Well That Bends Well", "Much Ado About Muffin", "Romeo & Julio", "Twelth Knight" and "What Can We Do With A Problem Like Aksapada Gautama?". Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Gaydar