From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Oct 2 06:11:36 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Mon Oct 2 06:11:44 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- A Tour of Baghdad -- Message-ID: Welcome to sunny Baghdad, land of the free--landing explosive devices--, home of the brave--for only the brave step near this warzone--, a fantastic glimpse into life in the Middle East! Don't be scared, it starts to remind you less and less of the Holocaust as you walk around, take in more of the city, and acclimate yourself to the smell. Wait, all that makes it seem more like the Holocaust. Never mind then. Forget I said anything about a 'Holocaust'. Seriously, don't bring up it up. Holocaust? What Holocaust? Nope. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about! I don't know what you're talking about! Good. You catch on quickly. Stay alert like that and you just might make it to the end of this tour. I'll be your tour guide for today. Just stay with me, keep your gun held tightly in your arms, like a newborn infant, and you should make it back to the tour bus in one piece. Probably. But show any sign of fear and it's lights out though. Lights the fuck out. Keep your head low, your expectations lower, and consult your brochure if you have any questions. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/A_Tour_of_Baghdad From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Oct 4 06:08:03 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Oct 4 06:08:06 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Fire hydrant -- Message-ID: Fire hydrant (1996-2004) lived a life of little significance, and made no particular impact on the lives of anyone. Throughout its life it never had a great ambition to achieve anything. It experienced its own share of good times and bad times but no one experience could be considered noteworthy. In its first year of life, fire hydrant took a keen interest in entering various television and magazine sweepstakes. The great majority of these were contests which could be entered by simply sending in postcards or SASE's and won in a random drawing, as those were much easier to enter than contests that required creativity or brainwork. One exception was a contest put on by Vernor's ginger ale, which was accepting new slogans for their commercials. Fire hydrant's entry for this was "Vernor's: Tastes so crisp and sweet, you know you like it". However, fire hydrant's entry did not win, greatly discouraging it from ever entering a contest of the like again. Fire hydrant sent out at least two sweepstakes entries a day for 6 months, for prizes ranging from a year's supply of Doritos, a Playstation with 3 games, and a $10,000 cash prize. It never won any of the sweepstakes. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Fire_hydrant From rcmurphy at gmail.com Fri Oct 6 08:15:11 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Fri Oct 6 08:15:13 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Hardwick Fundlebuggy's Prison Journal -- Message-ID: On the 2nd of October, 2006, at one in the morning, Uncyc user Hardwick Earnest Fundlebuggy was rightfully imprisoned for a crime he almost certainly did commit. While in prison, Hardwick (recognised the world over for his raffish hat and carelessly tossed good looks) kept a journal of his experiences. We publish it here, in full, as a lesson to others: Minute 1: Banned! Condemned to the blank screen and the obscurity of the kitchen, I elect to make myself a chicken curry happy meal for one, but it doesn't work. Not even the cheery ping of the microwave can bring me from my torpor. I am now branded a criminal and will forever be a stain on society, just like the one that splashes across my shirt when the meal explodes as I stab at it in rage with a plastic fork. Minute 2: I ponder my crime. It was a heat of the moment thing, a crime of passion, a cry from the heart of a user riddled with the urge to render everything into guffaws, a hopeless case of human giggling, Plato's buffon running out of the cage stark naked into the sun only to slip on the banana skin of criminality. This is what I am. A worm. Worse than a worm. Half a worm. Not even that. A wo. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Hardwick_Fundlebuggy's_Prison_Journal From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sun Oct 8 06:17:00 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sun Oct 8 06:17:02 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Hammer -- Message-ID: A hammer is a tool consisting of a long wooden handle attached to a shaped chunk of metal. The chunk of metal is specially designed to perform the hammer's most important functions: Hitting things Gouging out eyes The hammer is exceedingly good at its job. Usage: a hammer is best wielded with a firm two-hand grip, dominant hand on top. Of course, if you feel the urge to hook the eye-gouging apparatus around two fingers and swing it wildly in all directions, with the hammer held tenuously in your hand by the power of centrifugal force alone, feel free. No one will stop you. Indeed, everyone will be too afraid to stop you. The proper way to handle a hammer varies depending on how the user wishes to operate it. Here is a simple guide: Swing the hammer high above your head, scream maniacally, then forcefully slam the blunt end of the hammer down upon your intended target with every fiber of your being. Hernias are a possibility for heavier Norse hammers. For maximum damage, strike the target squarely on top of the head. Squeamish users may want to steel themselves for the resulting spray of blood and gray matter. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Hammer From rcmurphy at gmail.com Tue Oct 10 07:38:59 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Tue Oct 10 07:39:01 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Rorschach Inkblot Acid Test -- Message-ID: The Rorschach Inkblot Acid Tests were a series of Swiss experimental art showcases that mixed mind-altering music with controversial psychoanalytical procedures to determine emotional functionality using a combination of high-grade hallucinogens and random splotches of india ink. These straight-up, out-and-out freak-fests were described in Schaffhausen art critic circles as "utterly over-hyphenated" and "Psychedelianalytic Apostrophemotions", not because it made any sense, but because Mary Poppins is huge in Switzerland and really anywhere that favours the hot nanny archetype. Originally called The Swiss Kleckin' Electric Rorschach Inkblot Acid Test, the title was later shortened because brevity is the soul of Switz. Well, that and cowardice. Though many cutting-edge artists contributed to the overall lunacy of these events, the head mastermind of madness was Hermann Rorschach, Z?rich's inkblot extraordinaire and the grandaddy of great Dada. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Rorschach_Inkblot_Acid_Test From rcmurphy at gmail.com Thu Oct 12 06:20:10 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Thu Oct 12 06:20:14 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Commemorative plate -- Message-ID: Memory fading? Husband dead? Kids ungrateful layabouts? What you need, madam, are commemorative plates. Or as we at the Uncyclopedia Mint like to call them, 'Porcelain Happiness Treasures'. A commemorative plate is a friend that will last a lifetime, madam. A friend that will always be there for you. Unlike your snot-nosed grandchildren. They don't respect you, madam. All they see in you is a cash machine to buy the latest Playstation 360 or Grand Theft iPod. They don't understand the important things in life, madam. Things like happiness, nostalgia and commemorative plates. It's not always an easy decision to start collecting plates, madam. You do need to have good taste, steely determination and an eye for quality. Do you possess these qualities, madam? Not everybody does. Not everybody is able to dream the dream of commemorative plates. Deciding which plate to buy first can be a daunting challenge, madam. Some collectors may aim to collect plates going by a theme, for example cats or patriotism. Strictly for amateurs, madam. Real professionals collect as many plates as they can. Hundreds of them. Thousands of them. Are you in, or are you out, madam? All that money sitting in your mattress, madam. It won't spend itself. Do you really want them to have it? They'll just waste it. They've never cared for you, madam. Never. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Commemorative_plate From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sat Oct 14 02:42:48 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sat Oct 14 02:43:24 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Horton Hires a Ho! -- Message-ID: On the fifteenth of June, in the slums of the Valley With his dirty coke spoon, in the dark of an alley, He was whizzing in public?one of life's greatest joys... When Horton the Whorehunter heard a small noise. So Horton stopped piddling and he looked for the sound. "Disappointing," thought Horton. "Not a voyeur around." Then he heard it once more! A mere hint of applause. And he saw her red nails that she brandished like claws. "Hey fella," said Sheila. "Do you need help to shake it? Or if you've got fifty bucks, then we might even make it." Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/UnBooks:Horton_Hires_a_Ho From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Oct 16 05:49:52 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Mon Oct 16 05:50:16 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- How to Learn Hebrew -- Message-ID: So you've decided that you simply must speakth the ancient language of the Hebrews? Want to get closer to Jew dome? Want perhaps to better know your enemies, the Elders of Zion? Search no more. You have come to the right place. One of the main difficulties non-Hebrew speakers encounter is the fact that Hebrew is written from right to left. That is, tfel ot thgir morf nettirw si werbeH. Surprisingly, this was not invented by the British. In order to prepare for the first Hebrew lessons you will need to do one of the following: Practice reading/writing in front of a mirror. This is a highly costly and a very long procedure. We recommend against it. Switch your right lobe with your left. This can be achieved by either hitting both sides of your head, preferably with some kosher dish. This procedure can also be preformed, alternately by allowing 24,000 volts to flow through your brains. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/HowTo:Learn_Hebrew From rcmurphy at gmail.com Wed Oct 18 05:43:26 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Wed Oct 18 05:43:29 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- French Revolution -- Message-ID: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, they had everything before them, they had nothing before them, they were all going direct to Heaven, they were all going direct the other way. Basically, it was a time that could be described many ways, but also the opposite way. Indeed, it was the The French Revolution (or La R?volution Fran?aise as they would have it). It was an entire national uprising caused by the lack (and later banning) of bread and the encouragement to eat cake amongst the French villagefolk. From the time of this uprising on, the French would never be called sissies again. No, seriously. Not until Napoleon Bonaparte died years later would anyone ever again question the toughness or sexuality of France. The official slogan of The French Revolution was "Libert?, ?galit?, fraternit?, ou la mort!" ("Liberty, equality, fraternity, or death!"), though they didn't mean it as much as Patrick Henry did. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/French_Revolution From rcmurphy at gmail.com Fri Oct 20 04:40:14 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Fri Oct 20 04:40:26 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Martin Van Buren -- Message-ID: Martin Van Buren is "the eighth President of the United States, and a key organizer of the Democratic Party and a dominant figure in the Second Party System", but is such a total dick that nobody likes him. Everybody is just nice to his face, and then makes fun of him behind his back because he sucks so much. This one time, he brought me and a bunch of his friends out to this fancy Italian restaurant, and I thought we were going to split the bill. But it turns out all his friends "forgot" their wallets, so I had to pay for everyone. Even the tip! It's like God took a brick of shit, covered it in shit, and then threw it into an ocean of shit full of shitfish. That's what Martin Van Buren looks like. That's why he's nicknamed Old Kinderhook - a Kinderhook being a particularly shit covered kind of hook. I remember this one time, when we were out at this roller rink. He went up to this girl and was like, "Hey, do you wanna propose a constitutional amendment, and then maybe go get a burger or something?" And she said yes, but then she totally blew him off. Later, I asked her why she did it, and she said it was because he looked like shit. I can't argue with that kind of logic, because it's true. That's really what Martin Van Buren looks like. Hairy shit in a jacket. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Martin_Van_Buren From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sun Oct 22 06:00:20 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sun Oct 22 06:00:28 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- How To Be Pretentious -- Message-ID: So, you've decided you want to be pretentious - felicitations! Maybe it was watching an epsiode of "Frasier" and thinking "I wish I could patronise people like that" which inspired you, or perhaps you're just frustrated by the tedium of your existence and want to make yourself feel important. Well, for whatever reason, you've made the decision and so the hardest part is over; soon you'll be exchanging witticisms with men called Edwardo whilst sipping pinot noir in a French restaurant, the name of which you don't understand but can pronounce far better than some layman. If you're not white stop reading now though, or we may be forced to take legal action. As we both know, the core of pretentiousness is not in getting people to like you; it is in getting people to hate you, but in a terribly civil way. As such, some degree of pretentiousness can be acheived simply through your conduct and manner. A particularly important aspect of this is in having a suitably supercilious laugh- it should convey a level of self-satisfaction that words alone could not. Try stressing the first "ha" a little more than any of the others, and twitching your head very slightly backwards as you do so. For advanced techniques, secrete yourself in the bushes of a suburban home with a BMW parked in front of it and wait for them to have a dinner party (you should be there no longer than 2 days). This should provide plenty of advice on habits and affectations, as well as giving you time to work on the next point. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/HowTo:Be_pretentious From rcmurphy at gmail.com Tue Oct 24 05:52:18 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Tue Oct 24 05:52:54 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Hays Code -- Message-ID: The Production Code, better known as the Hays Code, guided the morals of Hollywood films from 1934 and 1967. Passed in response to a series of scandals involving drug use, profanity and sex (mainly sex), the code was the final arbiter of what was acceptable on screen. At the time, many believed shocking films portraying liberated women, self-respecting black people and the contours of the human body made the code necessary. Experts agree that the strict guidelines probably set the industry back 30 years, hindering the development of the teen-sex comedy, the animated film that sells toys and the Pauly Shore oeuvre. Hollywood's culture developed on the silent film set. Many movies were created under chaotic conditions, with technicians running back and forth, cameras being set into position and D.W. Griffith demanding more Klan robes. Directors ordered actors around during their scenes while creating an uninhibited environment that allowed performers to pour out their emotions before the cameras. Performers signed contracts pledging themselves to drink and womanize to a heroic degree, in order to "keep things loose." Cursing was encouraged and sometimes required on the sets. Lillian Gish used the f-word as noun, verb, adjective, adverb ("Mr. Griffith, did I act fuckingly enough?"), direct and indirect object and gerund. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Hays_Code From rcmurphy at gmail.com Thu Oct 26 06:37:13 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Thu Oct 26 06:37:19 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Washington and Lafayette -- Message-ID: Washington and Lafayette (George Washington, 1732-1799; Marie-Joseph-Paul-Yves-Roch-Gilbert du Motier, the Marquis de Lafayette, 1757-1834) were a Franco-American comedy team, specializing in wordplay, lingual misunderstandings and physical comedy. The duo formed in early 1777 and toured extensively through the 13 colonies, becoming the most popular double act of the American Revolution and boosting morale throughout the young nation. At their height, the team was so popular that British theater agents were forced to deploy Samuel Johnson and stage actress Sara Siddons to rouse Loyalists with their "Dirty Lexicographer" routine. Washington was a moderately successful showman who achieved some notoriety during the French and Indian War as part of the "Virginia Colonial Militia," a traveling troupe that poked fun at the foibles of the day. He was best known for one routine in which he calmly assisted a short-tempered general (played by stage veteran Eddie Braddock) as his soldiers were massacred outside Fort Duquesne. The end of the war, however, led to a decline in bookings, and Washington was forced to move to the smaller time in Williamsburg and Philadelphia. Lafayette, 25 years Washington's junior, was from central France. Born into a show business family, Lafayette showed an early aptitude for physical schtick and impersonations. Life on the Second Estate circuit was grueling, but Lafayette seemed to relish its challenges, and the family was soon invited to play the Palace. His drag portrayal of Austrian empress Maria Theresa as a shrill, shrieking shrew won applause from King Louis XV. A similar portrayal of future Queen Marie Antoinette forced Lafayette to flee the country. By this time, Washington's career was on the skids, and he was forced to accept a federal job commanding the Continental Army in its rebellion against Great Britain. Lafayette, who also felt his time on the stage was "finished," reported to the army, where he met Washington. The two hit it off immediately, and agreed to form an act. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Washington_and_Lafayette From rcmurphy at gmail.com Sat Oct 28 06:25:29 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Sat Oct 28 06:25:32 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- The Putz Who Stole Hanukkah Message-ID: Every Jew Down in Jewville Liked Hanukkah a lot, But some Putz, Who lived just East of Jewville, Did not! That Putz hated Hanukkah! The whole holiday season! Now, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be that his bomb wasn't strapped on quite right. It could be, perhaps, that his turban was too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been that his beard was two sizes too small. Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/The_Putz_Who_Stole_Hanukkah From rcmurphy at gmail.com Mon Oct 30 05:21:39 2006 From: rcmurphy at gmail.com (Ryan Murphy) Date: Mon Oct 30 05:21:41 2006 Subject: [Uncyclopedia-l] New featured article: -- Church of God the Wholly Incompetent -- Message-ID: The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent is a Christian church based mainly in North America and Western Europe. Adherents believe God is omnipotent but generally unqualified for his role as deity, citing the Great Flood, the Roman Empire and their own personal failings as proof. Worldwide membership was 15.1 million in 2004. The sect has been controversial since its foundation, and faced persecution in several countries for its allegedly heterodox views. The church (whose followers are known as "compies") believes in a "fractured Trinity", holding that Jesus is the Son of God but "got in over his head" when he let himself die on the cross. Compies deny the resurrection, arguing that Jesus is still knocking around somewhere below the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, a victim of God's omniuselessness. Where other sects revere Early Christian martyrs as witnesses of Christ's message, the Wholly Incompetent Church believes their deaths are a prime example of God's fumbling, bumbling ways. Church membership is dominated by actors, oil company executives, journalists and other people who believe they can "do it better." Read more: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Church_of_God_the_Wholly_Incompetent